His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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