hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
