I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
