Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
