We're facebook friends in real life
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
