its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
