the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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