i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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