in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize