god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
