It's Friday. Sex?
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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