There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize