the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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