If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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