You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
So many bounce houses so little time
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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