we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
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