Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
barbara walters just said penis...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize