You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
