when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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