I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
