she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
