i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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