i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
