I am spending my child support on dildos
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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