Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
