I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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