Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
