just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize