this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
