I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
