if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
organizing the empties. That sober.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
