Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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