Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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