Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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