oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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