We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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