Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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