i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
