i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
