I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
