going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
