he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
