Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
