I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
