What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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