my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize