Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
