I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
