you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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