I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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