just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
