Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
