I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
