She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
