A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
