does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
