my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
