i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
