I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
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