I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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