my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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