Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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