i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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