Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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