the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
