please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
