You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
