we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize