Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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