My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
