I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My ATM looks so different sober.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
