If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I forget how to act sober
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
