I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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