Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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